I try to explain this out-of-body experience to people, but sometimes they don't understand. I don't feel Korean. When I talk to someone on the street, when I am out and about, I don't feel Korean. If anything, I'm just a brown haired, brown eyed girl. I don't think about my race because I'm American. But the reality of it is that I am not a white American. Though at times I don't feel Asian, racist jokes still hurt. People that don't know me can't tell my history from my exterior, and people that do know me, think that I don't care because of my history. Though I don't feel Korean, I am Korean. It's a weird feeling.
Over the past few days, people have told me, "I hope you find what you are looking for." The truth is, I'm not looking for much. I'm looking to see where I was born, learn about the culture, and the history of the place, and maybe learn a little bit of my own history. Honestly, how can I complain? I am living a privileged life. Right this moment, I could be living in Korea with a very different lifestyle. I was born in a town that is so small, so remote, it doesn't exist anymore. My dad jokes and says that I'm a "country girl."
Though, it would be nice to find out my family medical history.
Yesterday I was swamped with doctors appointments. I hadn't been to the dentist since 2010, and I hadn't been to the eye doctor since 2005. With my absence for the past few years, came new paperwork to fill out at the doctor's office. And with that paperwork came questions of my family medical history. I have never known, nor will I ever know my biological family's medical history. Family medical history would be nice to know, in case I have to expect anything.
A couple of last minute, late night thoughts before hitting the hay.
Goodnight friends, and until tomorrow!
xx (that one's for you, Tavia),
Meryl
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